Assertiveness

 Do you feel like people walk all over you?

Do you have trouble keeping your temper under control?

Do you have trouble saying no, even when you really should?

 
At its worst, a lack of assertiveness might lead to feeling depressed from anger turned inward, hopeless, or having a lack of control of your life. At its best, assertiveness is a vehicle to express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights in a way that does not infringe on the rights of others.

Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons have written extensively on the topic of assertiveness. They state, “If you do not assert yourself, by letting other people know what your thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs are then they are faced to make assumptions about you in those areas. Assumptions have about a 50% change of being correct. That means that you only have half a chance of people understanding you and responding to you in a way that you desire.”

Once you begin to practice and hone assertiveness, you will find that you feel better about yourself, have more self-confidence, and that you get more of what you want in relationships and life in general. Please know that the process to practice assertiveness at first can feel uncomfortable. However, like all changes, over time as you focus on the positive outcomes associated with assertiveness it will become a honed skill.

Before you go about practicing assertiveness, it can be useful to assess your current assertive communication. The following link will take you to a brief self-assessment. At the end of that assessment there is a developmental plan for tracking assertiveness.

https://www.psychotherapy.net/data/fe/file/Assert_Invent(5).pdf

A general language formula for speaking assertively goes as follows:

• I feel….state your feeling

  • I think….

  • I want….

•   When (describe behavior)

• Because (concrete effect of consequence on your situation)

• I’d prefer (offer a solution or compromise)

  • I would like this…

  • What would you like?

  • I think …. What do you think?

  • Can we work this out?

  • What seems agreeable to you?

 
Assertiveness means to communicate your thoughts and feelings honestly and appropriately in the given context. It requires self-awareness as well as awareness of the context that you are in to express yourself fully.